SIXTEEN LIMERICKS

There was an old man from Dunoon,
Who always ate soup with a fork.
For he said, ‘As I eat
Neither fish, fowl nor meat
I should finish my dinner too quick.’

As a beauty, I am not a star;
There are others more handsome, by far;
But my face, I don’t mind it,
For I am behind it:
It’s the people in front get the jar.

There was a maid with such graces,
That her curves cried aloud for embraces.
‘You look,’ said McGhee,
‘Like a million to me:
Invested in all the right places!’

There was an old widower Doyle,
Who wrapped his wife up in tin foil;
He thought it would please her
To stay in the freezer,
And anyway outside she’d spoil.

A fly and a flea in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, ‘Let us flee!’
‘Let us fly!’ said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

There was a young fellow from Tyne
Put his head on the South-Eastern Line;
But he died of ennui,
For the 5:33
Didn’t come till a quarter past nine.

There was a young man from Tacoma
Whose breath had a whisky aroma;
So to alter the smell
He swallowed Chanel,
And went off in a heavenly coma.

An eccentric old person of Slough,
Who took all his meals with a cow,
Always said, ‘It’s uncanny,
She’s so like Aunt Fanny,’
But he never indicated how.

A cute little babe form St. Paul
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball,
But the dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

There was a young fellow of Ealing,
Endowed with such delicate feeling,
When he read, on the door,
‘Don’t spit on the floor,’
He jumped up and spat on the ceiling.

There was a young man from Devises
Whose ears were of different sizes;
One was so small
It was nothing at all,
The other took numerous prizes.

There was an old lady of Harrow,
Her views were exceedingly narrow.
She built two baths
At the end of her paths
For the different sexes of sparrows.

There was an old man of Peru
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.
He awoke in the night
With a terrible fright
And found it was perfectly true.